Ok, to be fair; I originall put up the clip of Sarah Silverman telling her boyfriend Jimmy kimmel about how she has been f*cking Matt Damon , so I now have to put up the response video from Jimmy.
To be honest, I thought it would suck. But - there is just too many stars that got in on the project (and apparently have nothing better to do in their lives) that love to sing about who Jimmy is f*cking.
Enjoy.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
The joys of beer pong!
I know most of you know how to play beer pong. It is a very very fun game....My friends and I seemingly play beer pong at every gathering. Why? Either we are awesome, or have extremely low attention spans and can't drink without playing some kind of game to keep us entertained.
There are also slight variations of the game:
Minesweeper- You play with both cups of beer and random cups filled with a shot of liquor of your choice. This variation usually leads to vomiting.
Paddle Pong- This is exactly like normal beer pong except instead of throwing the ping pong balls into the cups, you have to hit them in with your paddle. This also makes it difficult because the "swatting" option remains in effect.
3-D Pong-This is where you play with 10 cups, but you stack them like a pyramid. 4 on the bottom, then 3 on the next row up, then 2, then 1. You have to go from top to bottom in terms of aiming for the cups. This game takes a lot of time, with only the same payoff as regular beer pong.
Blackout-This is where you cover the entire survace of the ping pong table (or whatever table you play beer pong on) with cups, except for the one inch strip down the middle so you can distinguish which side the cups are on. You then play until all the cups are gone. BUT, you normally don't play with re-racks, making it difficult to hit the cups that will be spread out by the end. This game takes a lot longer than normal beer pong, but you drink more as well.
Finally, the game that will get you the most drunk. The game that lasts over 5 hours and requires at least 7-10 people per team (as opposed to the normal 2 or 3)....
Millenium Pong- This is where you set up a triangle of 100 cups on each side of the table, then cover it with a cardboard surface and stack another 100 cups in the same triangle formation on top. Repeat the stacking and covering until there is 5 stacks of 100 on each side. That is right....a total of 1,000 cups are in play! You then play beer pong, but you can only go into the next layer of cups after all 100 cups on that side have been removed. Usually, you only fill each row of 100 when you get to it, so the bottom layers won't get disgustingly warm.
Here is a video of Millenium Pong, just to make it clear how hard and amazing this game can be. I suggest you wait for a rainy day or a boring weekend to try this out...
Thank you beer pong for making my life just a little bit more enjoyable, and a lot more intoxicated!
If the video isn't working, go here.
There are also slight variations of the game:
Minesweeper- You play with both cups of beer and random cups filled with a shot of liquor of your choice. This variation usually leads to vomiting.
Paddle Pong- This is exactly like normal beer pong except instead of throwing the ping pong balls into the cups, you have to hit them in with your paddle. This also makes it difficult because the "swatting" option remains in effect.
3-D Pong-This is where you play with 10 cups, but you stack them like a pyramid. 4 on the bottom, then 3 on the next row up, then 2, then 1. You have to go from top to bottom in terms of aiming for the cups. This game takes a lot of time, with only the same payoff as regular beer pong.
Blackout-This is where you cover the entire survace of the ping pong table (or whatever table you play beer pong on) with cups, except for the one inch strip down the middle so you can distinguish which side the cups are on. You then play until all the cups are gone. BUT, you normally don't play with re-racks, making it difficult to hit the cups that will be spread out by the end. This game takes a lot longer than normal beer pong, but you drink more as well.
Finally, the game that will get you the most drunk. The game that lasts over 5 hours and requires at least 7-10 people per team (as opposed to the normal 2 or 3)....
Millenium Pong- This is where you set up a triangle of 100 cups on each side of the table, then cover it with a cardboard surface and stack another 100 cups in the same triangle formation on top. Repeat the stacking and covering until there is 5 stacks of 100 on each side. That is right....a total of 1,000 cups are in play! You then play beer pong, but you can only go into the next layer of cups after all 100 cups on that side have been removed. Usually, you only fill each row of 100 when you get to it, so the bottom layers won't get disgustingly warm.
Here is a video of Millenium Pong, just to make it clear how hard and amazing this game can be. I suggest you wait for a rainy day or a boring weekend to try this out...
Thank you beer pong for making my life just a little bit more enjoyable, and a lot more intoxicated!
If the video isn't working, go here.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Things I have learned from Jay and Silent Bob movies
I love Movies that feature Jay and Silent Bob! *note: I did not say movies directed by Kevin Smith to avoid jokes about liking movies such as "Jersey Girl," which for the record, I do not.
However, after watching the fifth Jay and Silent Bob movie, I had an epiphony: I have learned a LOT over the years from these dick and fart joke movies. I don't know how it was possible, being that most of the characters were stoners or idiots, but maybe that is what it takes these days to get through our desensitized population.
Hell, maybe Kevin Smith (and Jason Mews) are just geniuses disguised as stoners. If you don't believe me, read these items below and tell me that you didn't learn something from these creative bastards over the years.
I hope you are ready, because some of these will most likely blow your tiny little minds:
You CAN make a movie for $27,000 - it will just look like Clerks.
You NEVER go ass to mouth!
How to make a "Holy Bartender"
Phrases such as "Snoochie Boochies" and "BONG!" are not only useful, they are awesome.
Third nipples = The ability to tell fortunes.
That there are some questions that you just DON'T ask. (You know you wanted to know the end of the story of Brodie's uncle masterbating on the plane while falling to his death).
The Time is one of the best bands ever.
Lion face! GRRR! Lemon face! EEEEKK! Matt Damon and Ben Aflek make fun of themselves better than we can. "Applesauce, bitch!"
Songs can really make or break a movie. I.E. "Goobye Horses" or "fuck, fuck, mother mother, fuck fuck."
The back of a Volkswagon is apparently just as uncomfortable as taking it in the ass.
The ONLY good Aflek movie is Phantom. He really is the bomb in that movie...
How important the Jedi mind trick is when inserting a VHS tape into the tape player.
The word "fuck" is used 228 times in the movie "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"
It is ok to have a chimp named Suzanne, as long as it makes a cameo in more than one movie...
The voice of God is too powerful to hear with the human ear. So when you think you hear God, you are actually listening to Professor Snape relaying the information for him. His name is Metatron, and he likes tequila.
God likes to play skee-ball.
God is a woman. Alanis Morissette to be exact.
There were 13 appostles. One was left out because he was black.
No one will ever remember Jason Biggs by name...they will only remember him as the pie fucker in American Pie.
The stink fist works.
Jason Lee is awesome. He bones Shannon Doherty, Plays a demon, Owns a comic book shop, AND owns the rights to the Jay and Silent Bob movie/comics.
The rules of the road. Goerge Carlin really knows how to travel!
Mark Hammil's greatest role (other than Star Wars) will always be the character of Cocknocker.
Bluntman and Chronic are everyone's favorite super hero's!
Miramax is for Pussies.
The most romantic pet-name is "Boo boo kitty fuck"
Chasing Amy is really only good if you like Kevin Smith Movie trivia:
Check these out.
-When Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) is speaking of her sexual encounters, she mentions leaving her prom halfway through to have sex with a 26 year old man and Gwen Turner. In "Mallrats" (1995), Joey Lauren Adams played Gwen Turner.
-Holden and Alyssa are talking about Julie Dwyer, the girl who drowned in the YMCA pool...which is why Brandi has to go on her fathers game show in "Mallrats."
-When Banky and Alyssa are swapping stories, Banky shows how little he can move his head after Brandi Svenning's dad caught him with her. Brandi Svenning is in "Mallrats."
-When Alyssa is telling Holden about all of her "unusual" sexual experiences she mentions Shannon Hamilton, Ben Affleck's character from "Mallrats."
-The film's events take place two years after the events of "Clerks," which in turn takes place the day after "Mallrats."
If you can read this and NOT want to watch either Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, or Clerks 2, then I don't know if we can be friends.
Let me know if I left anything out that you may have learned from these brilliant masterpieces!
However, after watching the fifth Jay and Silent Bob movie, I had an epiphony: I have learned a LOT over the years from these dick and fart joke movies. I don't know how it was possible, being that most of the characters were stoners or idiots, but maybe that is what it takes these days to get through our desensitized population.
Hell, maybe Kevin Smith (and Jason Mews) are just geniuses disguised as stoners. If you don't believe me, read these items below and tell me that you didn't learn something from these creative bastards over the years.
I hope you are ready, because some of these will most likely blow your tiny little minds:
You CAN make a movie for $27,000 - it will just look like Clerks.
You NEVER go ass to mouth!
How to make a "Holy Bartender"
Phrases such as "Snoochie Boochies" and "BONG!" are not only useful, they are awesome.
Third nipples = The ability to tell fortunes.
That there are some questions that you just DON'T ask. (You know you wanted to know the end of the story of Brodie's uncle masterbating on the plane while falling to his death).
The Time is one of the best bands ever.
Lion face! GRRR! Lemon face! EEEEKK! Matt Damon and Ben Aflek make fun of themselves better than we can. "Applesauce, bitch!"
Songs can really make or break a movie. I.E. "Goobye Horses" or "fuck, fuck, mother mother, fuck fuck."
The back of a Volkswagon is apparently just as uncomfortable as taking it in the ass.
The ONLY good Aflek movie is Phantom. He really is the bomb in that movie...
How important the Jedi mind trick is when inserting a VHS tape into the tape player.
The word "fuck" is used 228 times in the movie "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"
It is ok to have a chimp named Suzanne, as long as it makes a cameo in more than one movie...
The voice of God is too powerful to hear with the human ear. So when you think you hear God, you are actually listening to Professor Snape relaying the information for him. His name is Metatron, and he likes tequila.
God likes to play skee-ball.
God is a woman. Alanis Morissette to be exact.
There were 13 appostles. One was left out because he was black.
No one will ever remember Jason Biggs by name...they will only remember him as the pie fucker in American Pie.
The stink fist works.
Jason Lee is awesome. He bones Shannon Doherty, Plays a demon, Owns a comic book shop, AND owns the rights to the Jay and Silent Bob movie/comics.
The rules of the road. Goerge Carlin really knows how to travel!
Mark Hammil's greatest role (other than Star Wars) will always be the character of Cocknocker.
Bluntman and Chronic are everyone's favorite super hero's!
Miramax is for Pussies.
The most romantic pet-name is "Boo boo kitty fuck"
Chasing Amy is really only good if you like Kevin Smith Movie trivia:
Check these out.
-When Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) is speaking of her sexual encounters, she mentions leaving her prom halfway through to have sex with a 26 year old man and Gwen Turner. In "Mallrats" (1995), Joey Lauren Adams played Gwen Turner.
-Holden and Alyssa are talking about Julie Dwyer, the girl who drowned in the YMCA pool...which is why Brandi has to go on her fathers game show in "Mallrats."
-When Banky and Alyssa are swapping stories, Banky shows how little he can move his head after Brandi Svenning's dad caught him with her. Brandi Svenning is in "Mallrats."
-When Alyssa is telling Holden about all of her "unusual" sexual experiences she mentions Shannon Hamilton, Ben Affleck's character from "Mallrats."
-The film's events take place two years after the events of "Clerks," which in turn takes place the day after "Mallrats."
If you can read this and NOT want to watch either Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, or Clerks 2, then I don't know if we can be friends.
Let me know if I left anything out that you may have learned from these brilliant masterpieces!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The male version of an even trade
It is no secret that I hate everything that has to do with Valentine's Day. I don't see why girls get so excited about the one day they expect to be treated nicely with dinner and flowers as a minimum, when most days their boyfriends/husbands wouldn't do either for them. It is kind of like saying that they are ok with getting treated like shit less than they would like in exchange for this one day of being pampered.
Also, I have had the unfortunate experience of dating a few girls who had far too many expectations of this one day and were angry that after the dinner/flowers/whatever there wasn't more planned. Don't be one of those girls!
But, here is where we males get even.
A female ex-coworker of mine, Inna, reminded me recently of the magnificent event that males can now bestow upon their Valentine's as an exchange to putting up with all the fake crap that is Valentine's Day.
It is more commonly known as Steak and BJ day. This is where we males get something that we really want, and it doesn't even cost much (unless you have to buy both the steak AND the bj). Plus, ladies, it isn't like you won't also get a steak...as long as you don't mind cooking one for yourself.
Guys: you can go about this two different ways.
1. You can tell your Valentine prior to Feb. 14th and offer this day as a trade. This way, she knows she has to pay up if she is expecting some Valentine's Day gift/dinner/whatever.
2. You can not tell her until after Valentine's Day is over, so she is already guilt-tripped into complying with the March 14th holiday. This method has a lower rate of completion, only because girls will most likely use the excuse that "she didn't know she had to celebrate March 14th before Valentine's day came around."
Either way, guys, just make sure that she actually celebrates on March 14th....and ladies, realize that this is the least you can do if your boyfriend/husband goes through any trouble of setting up any kind of Valentine's day dinner/gift/whatever. All males could care less about Feb 14th if we could still get laid by letting the day pass by like any other.
Here is to March 14th being only a month away - THAT is something to look forward to!
Also, I have had the unfortunate experience of dating a few girls who had far too many expectations of this one day and were angry that after the dinner/flowers/whatever there wasn't more planned. Don't be one of those girls!
But, here is where we males get even.
A female ex-coworker of mine, Inna, reminded me recently of the magnificent event that males can now bestow upon their Valentine's as an exchange to putting up with all the fake crap that is Valentine's Day.
It is more commonly known as Steak and BJ day. This is where we males get something that we really want, and it doesn't even cost much (unless you have to buy both the steak AND the bj). Plus, ladies, it isn't like you won't also get a steak...as long as you don't mind cooking one for yourself.
Guys: you can go about this two different ways.
1. You can tell your Valentine prior to Feb. 14th and offer this day as a trade. This way, she knows she has to pay up if she is expecting some Valentine's Day gift/dinner/whatever.
2. You can not tell her until after Valentine's Day is over, so she is already guilt-tripped into complying with the March 14th holiday. This method has a lower rate of completion, only because girls will most likely use the excuse that "she didn't know she had to celebrate March 14th before Valentine's day came around."
Either way, guys, just make sure that she actually celebrates on March 14th....and ladies, realize that this is the least you can do if your boyfriend/husband goes through any trouble of setting up any kind of Valentine's day dinner/gift/whatever. All males could care less about Feb 14th if we could still get laid by letting the day pass by like any other.
Here is to March 14th being only a month away - THAT is something to look forward to!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
It has been a busy week - and it is only Tuesday
I have recently been sick with the flu, and apparently the world keeps turning while I am out cold...
I have had what feels like the busiest week yet at my new job. In reality, I am not nearly as swamped as I have been in the past, but much more going on in my head for the future.
Here is a little list of things that I have put in my mental calendar (blackberry calendar) of things that will be happening in the not-so-distant future:
Where this may not seem like a long list...this is only everything I learned about today while I was at work. Damn...there is a lot going on.
More to come, but until then....I will leave you with the gorgeous Marisa Miller.
I have had what feels like the busiest week yet at my new job. In reality, I am not nearly as swamped as I have been in the past, but much more going on in my head for the future.
Here is a little list of things that I have put in my mental calendar (blackberry calendar) of things that will be happening in the not-so-distant future:
- Feb. 21 - Clinton/Obama debate on UT campus
- Feb. 23 - Ron Paul rally on UT campus with Jimmy Vaughn playing
- March 15 - Dallas. Ghostland Observatory playing the St. Patty's parade!
- May 17&18- Radiohead playing Houston and Dallas!
- The writers strike is over!!! Even though most of my shows won't be returning this season, it is nice to know they will return at some point.
- SXSW - Artists announced! -some pretty good bands are coming, but nothing like last year...
- Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue 2008 is out! Marisa Miller is the cover. Oh, so hot!
- I haven't updated my myspace in almost a year. Even though no one uses it anymore, I should probably fix that
- I owe money in taxes - shitty
Where this may not seem like a long list...this is only everything I learned about today while I was at work. Damn...there is a lot going on.
More to come, but until then....I will leave you with the gorgeous Marisa Miller.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Superbowl.
Holy Shit. As everyone knows, the Superbowl was last night. I, personally, didn't care who won the game. Any team that I thought I would root for was knocked out: the Cowboys, the Packers, even the Chargers...
I also want to point out how much I hate both teams. First, the Giants.
I HATE Eli Manning. He is such a douche. I don't like his face, the way he talks, his attitude, body language, or that he is a manning (I do like Peyton). I also don't like how they knocked out my Dallas Cowboys in the first round of the playoffs.
The Patriots: don't like Tom Brady. I don't like how every girl in the world thinks he is hot. I don't like seeing him in those water ads. I don't like how he can be dating someone as hot as Gisele, especially since he was just with (and fathered a child with) Bridget Moynahan. I also don't think that ANY team should have a perfect season. Even the best should lose one game in a given season...just to make it seem normal/fair.
Now, for the actual game.
It was BORING. The score was 7-3, Patriots, since about 3 minutes left in the first quarter all the way until 7 minutes left in the 4th. COME ON! Get some points on the board. Then, the commercials SUCKED! There were more water ads this year then beer ads. What is happening to the world when people would rather drink $3 bottled water over beer? Even the Victoria's Secret ad sucked...and you know it is bad when extremely hot women in their underwear can't get a good rating as a commercial.
I would like to point out, though, that Tom Petty rocked as a halftime show. I do wish he would have played Mary Jane's Last Dance...but he had a pretty good set overall.
The only reason I enjoyed the game at all, is because the Giants took the ball with only about 2 minutes left and drove the length of the field to score with only 30 seconds left in the game with a pass to Plaxico Buress. THAT was exciting.
Basically, the game was a snoozefest until the halftime show, and then again until about the last 5 minutes. Maybe next year they will get it right...but I wouldn't count on it.
I also want to point out how much I hate both teams. First, the Giants.
I HATE Eli Manning. He is such a douche. I don't like his face, the way he talks, his attitude, body language, or that he is a manning (I do like Peyton). I also don't like how they knocked out my Dallas Cowboys in the first round of the playoffs.
The Patriots: don't like Tom Brady. I don't like how every girl in the world thinks he is hot. I don't like seeing him in those water ads. I don't like how he can be dating someone as hot as Gisele, especially since he was just with (and fathered a child with) Bridget Moynahan. I also don't think that ANY team should have a perfect season. Even the best should lose one game in a given season...just to make it seem normal/fair.
Now, for the actual game.
It was BORING. The score was 7-3, Patriots, since about 3 minutes left in the first quarter all the way until 7 minutes left in the 4th. COME ON! Get some points on the board. Then, the commercials SUCKED! There were more water ads this year then beer ads. What is happening to the world when people would rather drink $3 bottled water over beer? Even the Victoria's Secret ad sucked...and you know it is bad when extremely hot women in their underwear can't get a good rating as a commercial.
I would like to point out, though, that Tom Petty rocked as a halftime show. I do wish he would have played Mary Jane's Last Dance...but he had a pretty good set overall.
The only reason I enjoyed the game at all, is because the Giants took the ball with only about 2 minutes left and drove the length of the field to score with only 30 seconds left in the game with a pass to Plaxico Buress. THAT was exciting.
Basically, the game was a snoozefest until the halftime show, and then again until about the last 5 minutes. Maybe next year they will get it right...but I wouldn't count on it.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Matt Damon is always sleeping with other people's girlfriends
If any of you don't know...Matt Damon will steal your girlfriend in a heartbeat.
Seriously.
He did it once before to Scotty, and it ended up being one of my favorite (original) songs in a movie - Paul even made it my ringtone on his phone.
Now, he is doing it to Jimmy Kimmel. Not cool. I don't know if you think Sarah Silverman is hot, but at least she is funny.
Sometimes.
Kind of?
Moral of the story - I want to be Matt Damon.
Hopefully this will get you through your Friday...
Seriously.
He did it once before to Scotty, and it ended up being one of my favorite (original) songs in a movie - Paul even made it my ringtone on his phone.
Now, he is doing it to Jimmy Kimmel. Not cool. I don't know if you think Sarah Silverman is hot, but at least she is funny.
Sometimes.
Kind of?
Moral of the story - I want to be Matt Damon.
Hopefully this will get you through your Friday...
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